he made me a tape of joy division, he told there was a part of him missing, when I was sixteen, he jumped off a building

Reading The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath and listening to a bit of Perfume Genius. I feel like I should be inspired but actually the book is just comforting to find a character with the same mindset as me. I shall waste away like Esther Greenwood being stuck with too many thoughts of what could be to comprehend, ironically leaving me with no future at all. Although I probably won't stop sleeping and eating and reading like she did, I can draw similarities in our ideas.

"...everything people did seemed so silly, because they only died in the end."

I have conversations in my head about this far too often.

So now I am resigned within myself slightly, whilst thinking from Plath's perspective. Perceiving people quietly, left to wallow in thoughts that don't mean anything really. They are just thoughts. We are just people.

If I lie here that little bit longer doing nothing, what does it matter? The days will stretch on, and on, and everything is just repetition. Everything,

But someday, someone will find me and think I am as wonderful and quirky as Sylvia Plath deserved to be thought of. I love her writing style and if she was like that as a person she deserved more than to let her put her head in an oven and die.

If I ever tried to kill myself I think I'd want to drown.

Wade into the sea, have my clothes and hair swirl about me as I floated until I lost all energy, taking a last breath, submerge myself under. I would look celestial underwater, embraced by water that just longs to occupy my alveoli. And who am I to deny it of that? I am 78% water. Who am I to stop it from reclaiming the rest of my body?

Although drowning isn't like that. You can't give over your life gracefully when drowning. You splutter and retch up the water, coughing, choking. You might mentally be ready for it but your body will never be. There is such thing as too much of a good thing. Too much water, my lungs would scream, too much water.

I know this is how it would be, but I'd still want to drown.

I'm such a happy person.

Oh well.

Anyway, photos from my phobias photoshoots. I'm quite looking forward to this photography exam in fact.

Chiraptophobia- fear of being touched.