it was all that they could do not to consume you, and was all that I could muster just to kiss you

I changed my profile picture from this:

To this:

I guess I like both of them. The newer one has some pretty good colours in it. He likes them both too.

So I didn't really do much today, wandered around Kingston with my dad for like three hours looking for a dress.

I have to go to a wedding tomorrow. I've only ever been to two weddings before which were ridiculously different to each other.

One was cheap and full of ruddy faced blokey types with huge belly laughs erupting from the dance floor as they had a bit too much to drink.

The other was at the same church where Four Weddings And A Funeral was filmed at. I had too many WKDs in too short a space of time and staggered around in high heels feeling ill whilst parents of the middle aged bride and groom tutted disapprovingly at me.

I'm not sure how this one will turn out.

I don't really know why they're getting married. I mean, they've been together for ages and even have a son together. What is the need to get married? All it is is a piece of paper. Marriage means nothing to me.

I'm bored of being in limbo of exams with glimpses of summer catching in my peripheral vision. I have to lick my chapped lips and bite the inside of my cheek to remind myself where I am, where my focus should be.

All I want to do is languish away in the sanctuary of musicians' and artists' presences. Take photos that you can taste in your mouth, something to swim in. Listen to obscure, demented and hauntingly beautiful maniacs. Become more poetic, just to inspire him.

I don't want to be anything practical.

If the corporate world ever ensnares me then I've lost everything.

And yet...

So if the point of life is to be happy why do I strive to fill the glass halfway, not even bothering with the brim.

Lacklustre much, lacking ambition, I have no gumption.

My demise is almost inevitable. Far too easy imagining me working nine to five, far too easy seeing me struggle with taxes and a husband and children and all the things I never wanted for myself.

If everything turns to shit, then at least let me have the satisfaction of not becoming my mother. If I ever turned into her... Just... I can't. I can't be her. Hard to bear the thought.

I am the most average girl ever.

Middle class, middle fucking everything.

I want to be different but so does everyone else and even wanting to be someone special is just another common desire.

I don't want fame, I don't want money.

I want to live.