god damn hate that I am what I am

I don't need this. Fucking Spanish shit. Biology will be fine, but I am slightly worried about Spanish. I normally ask my mum for help but I haven't been speaking to her much recently.

I haven't really been speaking to anyone in my family much.

I come home, go on the computer... go to bed. I'm scared that I'm using babysitting my sister as an excuse to be lazy and waste away in front of a glowing screen that is slowly turning my mind to mush.

I kind of want to hang out with new people, or even old ones I haven't seen in a while but no one seems interested in me. And I feel ugly cause of all this "rate me out of 100" shit. I don't get awful ratings (they're all in the 70s), just ones that tend to be at the lower end of the spectrum of my acquaintances. It's disappointing. And has made me lose quite a bit of confidence. I knew I shouldn't have got involved but oh well.

I don't feel close to anyone at the moment really. I get picked up and dropped, thrown about and left neglected often and at a rapid pace. I keep ignoring it because lots of people seem to be having the same problem, some worse than others.

Wanting to hang out with new people gets me muddled. I think I almost want to do it to prove to myself I don't have to be with him when we get the chance. I want people to know I don't need him. But then I just know that actually I do want to see him and I'd have a better time with him anyway than others who would trip over themselves to get away from me if someone better came along. I don't know whether I'm kidding myself about things but just, I used to be so much more than this. People used to have more respect for me, people used to like seeing me and would invite me to shit without even thinking. They used to care and now I'm stuck in a fucking skip screaming at strangers to love me.

Maybe I was only ever popular because there was no one else around. Probably.

I'm lonely, really fucking lonely and no one can see it just cause I have him.

Whatever. Ignore me. I'd better get back to this Spanish work.