I’m still mourning over ghosts, over ghosts, over ghosts, over ghosts that broke my heart before I met you

I feel weird. I keep getting randomly depressed. I think it might be making me ill as well... Either that or I'm just ridiculously dehydrated. My head pounds and spins and my throat goes dry and I feel trapped inside my skin, suffocating. I have to lie down or I get scared I might faint. I've never fainted before. I kind of want to.

But yeah, depression. I looked up the symptoms a while ago.

Psychological symptoms (according to the NHS)

- continuous low mood or sadness

- feelings of hopelessness and helplessness

- low self-esteem

- tearfulness

- feelings of guilt

- feeling irritable and intolerant of others

- lack of motivation and little interest in things

- difficulty making decisions

- lack of enjoyment

- suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming someone else

- feeling anxious or worried

- reduced sex drive

Ignoring the last one, I pretty much have the symptoms. It runs in my family too. My mum and my nan both have been on antidepressants at one point. I'm not sure if my mum is off them yet.

I think I suppress too much. I thought I told people stuff that worries me but I realised that's not the actual problem. Whenever I feel upset I just shut it off and it's gotten to the point now where I start to feel like I'm going to start crying and I don't know why. If I thought about it I reckon I could work out why but I don't want to so I don't and it's getting really hard to stop myself from crying at the moment.

Nothing is even wrong with me. I hate myself for being like this. And it makes me want to cry more.

I'm useless. I can't do anything, I can't even keep him happy.

I know I'm not depressed though because the feeling will eventually seep away. It will come back but it does go away.

Maybe I'm just a freak.

I'm doing depression as another photography idea as well (maybe). I want to research it more and like make it really personal and sort of thought-provoking, maybe slightly unsettling. I'd like people to take me seriously with my photography. No one else seems to care so much about it. I just want to make a statement and have people understand and interpret me and just... I want something more than "That's a pretty picture".

I might move to Canada.

I used to want to move away from everyone more than anything.

He used to run away. He showed me a place in this park once, hidden in long grass near a big old tree. It used to be a sort of picnic area but had been abandoned and all that was left was a gap in the unruly grass and a mat on the floor. He said he used to run away there when he was little. We lay there for about an hour and I was late getting home and got grounded for the weekend. He ran to me once but my parents found out and took him home and my dad talked to him in the car and said "bollocks" a lot. My dad was nice to him.

My dad ran away once too. He was sixteen and ran all the way from Wales to London looking for his brother. I think he slept on the streets for a couple nights. He should have been back at his boarding school but he was out drinking with university students.

I remember when my sister thought he ran away for good once. I wasn't sure if he was coming back either. She a cried a lot. My mum didn't notice. I wrote about it in a notebook and drew all over the pages and slept and was numb to it. I didn't cry back then. Like, ever.

He came back though. He just went for a drive after all.

I'm in the middle of GCSE's and I want to go to university here and I will not fuck up my education for my father.

I'd get a really annoying accent if I moved.

I don't particularly like snow either.

If it was somewhere else in England (where I could carry on all the GCSE's I am doing)... then it might be different. I might have run.

I might have moved.