i've seen you smile but i've never really heard you laugh

I don't know why I'm writing this. People probably won't bother to read it anyway and I never have anything of interest to say.

So hello then I guess.

(I'm really starting to regret this)

I'm ill. I have this cough that catches in the back of my throat and tugs and tugs on my voice chords until I'm all hoarse and can't sing, just croak. And I cough and cough and my head pounds and I overheat and I can't breathe. I cough until I can't anymore but I STILL have that fucking tickle in my throat so I try and cough and I just retch. It sounds a bit like I'm crying when I cough. I sound vulnerable and pathetic.

I don't like being ill.

Nurofen- does fuck all.

Cough syrup- does fuck all.

(Non drowsy) Sudofed- does fuck all.

I have resorted to fucking Amoxicillin and even THAT does fuck all.

Being ill just generally makes me feel shit. I get all self deprecating for no reason and then I don't want to talk to people because they'll get annoyed if I'm all like depressing and blah. And then they think I have a problem with them or something and it just turns into a lose lose situation.

I hate pitying myself.

Fucking FUCKING hate it.

I have no reason not to like myself, yet I still don't. I don't know what's making me so unhappy.

But everyone else is unhappy too and they have reasons and I have to help them. I have to look after them. I have to sit and listen. I have to offer advice. I have to hug them. I have to watch them cry. I have to run after them. I have to hold back their hair when they vomit. I have to clear up. I have to cheer them up.

I'm not complaining. I like to help. But it's exhausting.

I can't even run away from it all and curl up and go to sleep because I'm up all night having coughing fits.