faking suicide for applause

I don't know how to talk to them anymore. I'm starting to wonder if I every really knew how to talk to them. Makes me think I'm just boring.

With smaller groups it's fine but as soon as there's more than like three other girls, I'm not good enough for them. Someone else is more interesting. We'll make an effort for her but fuck Becky, it's not like she matters or anything.

I hate losing touch of people but really we were never more than acquaintances. I can't kid myself.

I'm left to sit silently watching as they mess around and try and make other girls laugh. I'll try and strike up conversation and they'll give me one word replies then fuck off to someone else.

They aren't even worth it.

Why do I even care?

Finished all my science modules. Should be happy about that but really they never bothered me that much. It's Maths I'm shitting myself about.

I can't do it. I just can't. I'm so goddamn awful at Maths.

If I get a B for it I am so completely fucked. I can't even retake next year 'cause if I did I'd have to take it alongside Additional Maths which would just be ridiculous. I will be so so so so so happy if I get an A. I mean of course I'd love to get an A* but there is no way possible. I just know it.

So now I have to spend my half term freaking out over that, doing revision for at least two hours everyday and still trying to excite friends and him, even though today managed to prove just how dull I am.

I am looking forward to tomorrow though. Even though there is a rather large chance of it being a massive fail.

Oh, and my mum bought me Krispy Kremes on her way home from work. So that's good too I suppose.

I commited an unforgivable sin.

I left out one EP that absolutely has to be put down.

We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed- Los Campesinos!

I'm so sorry Los Campesinos! Please forgive me.

This might count as cheating but they aren't albums so he can't have a go at me.

Top Five EPs.

Oh yes, I went there.

Blood Bank- Bon Iver

Summertime!- The Drums

Tear Jerky- Sparky Deathcap

Rough Trade- Atlas Sound

Chunk of Change- Passion Pit

There are more but I didn't want to go overboard now did I?

Okay so this was his idea.

Top Fifteen Albums of the Decade.

Originally it was supposed to be Top Ten but both of us struggled to get it down to this short. I've left out so so so many.

Anyway, down to business, counting down from Number 15...

Bitte Orca- Dirty Projectors

"Isn't life under the sun just a crazy dream?"

(June 2009)

Gulag Orkestar- Beirut

"I lie down like a tired dog licking his wounds in the shade"

(May 2006)

Elephant Eyelash- Why?

"I thought we'd keep our veins tangled like a pair of mic cables"

(September 2005)

Album- Girls

"and I don't wanna cry my whole life through, I want to do some laughing too"

(September 2009)

Veckatimest- Grizzly Bear

"make a decision with a kiss, maybe I have frostbite"

(May 2009)

Microcastle- Deerhunter

"focus on depth that was never there, eliminate what you can't repair"

(October 2008)

Lifted or The Story is in the Soil, Keep Your Ear To The Ground- Bright Eyes

"like love's some kind of lottery where you scratch and see what's underneath, it's sorry, just one cherry"

(August 2002)

Mean Everything to Nothing- Manchester Orchestra

"I don't give a good shit if you're lonesome"

(April 2009)

XX- The XX

"heart skipped a beat and when I caught it you were out of reach"

(August 2009)

Antidotes- Foals

"oh these wasting games, racquets and gadgets"

(March 2008)

Demon Days- Gorillaz

"my dreams, they've got to kiss, 'cause I don't get no sleep, no"

(May 2005)

The Moon and Antarctica- Modest Mouse

"everything that keeps me together is falling apart, I've got this thing I consider my only art of fucking people over"

(June 2000)

Hospice- The Antlers

"when we get home we're bigger strangers than we've ever been before"

(March 2009)

Strawberry Jam- Animal Collective

"a baby on the bus smiled at me so easy"

(September 2007)

Romance Is Boring- Los Campesinos!

"they promised they'd be best of friends from now until forever, but both were far too needy not to fall for the other"

(January 2010)

and she was sitting there reading this really arduous magazine article about a third world country that she couldn't even pronounce the name of

I think I'm rather boring.

Been told that before by someone close to me, but then again they almost always were out to hurt me anyway in the first place.

I don't do anything very interesting anymore. It's probably because of exams and because I'm lazy but I'm getting restless.

With them something would always come up, but it was always for the wrong reasons.

I don't know which is better, doing something with people you don't want to be around or doing nothing with people I do want to be with.

I can't get excited by anything anymore.

I have three and a bit more years of school left, then (hopefully) uni, then I don't know, a job and a middle class underlying cynicism for the world most probably. If I end up with a husband and kids by my thirties I will kill myself.

I don't want to fade away into nothing.

I'm barely visible as it is.

People are supposed to be really egocentric right? They're supposed to only really care about their own problems and shit. Well I can't even work myself up to being excited or whatever about my own problems, let alone anyone else's.

This is supposed to be the time I get to waste doing dumb shit and making mistakes and "finding myself" but really all it seems to be is EXAMS, COURSEWORK, EXAMS, COURSEWORK- schoolschoolschoolfuckingschool.

I'm exhausted all the time and I'm not even going out anymore.

I am actually going to sit here in this husk of a house and make friends with the spiders hiding away in their cobwebs; I'm going to let myself rot.

Watch me disintegrate before your very eyes.

That might be a bit boring for you though. Like watching paint dry.

Oh jeez, as soon as I said that the first thing I thought of was "Pigment, solvent and binding medium make up paint. Paint dries when the solvent evaporates. The binding medium is often a polymer and the solvent, water. There are two types of paint, water based and oil based. In oil based paint, once the solvent evaporates the oil then oxidises with the air to give a gloss finish. Paint is a colloid, meaning there are small particles in it which do not dissolve yet are too small to sink to the bottom of the paint meaning the are suspended in the substance"

I have been revising Chemistry far too much.

See what I've been saying about work taking over my life?

Oh and speaking of paint, here's some old pieces of photography homework, involving paint.

we'll do anything that makes you smile 'cause your smile is beautiful and it makes me happy

I want to make the tips of your mouth tickle at your cheeks again.

Please smile for me.

with eyes shut it's you i'm thinking of

Happy happy happy today.

I have slight sunburn on my shoulders which is unheard of for English weather.

I also have carpet burn on my knees but I'm not going into detail over that.

I am proud of myself, uploaded almost all of my CDs onto iTunes now. At the moment I have precisely 95 albums- 814 songs.

Oh that makes me so happy. Having actually nice ordered music for once. Every single one of those 95 albums have their album artwork as well.

He should be proud of me.

Okay, maybe it isn't so advisable to waste my time on iTunes, Chemistry revision should take priority but oh well, there's always retakes.

Music is more important to me than Chemistry anyway.

Mmm, now all I have to do is make a list of music that I have on my old iPod that I want back, then I can erase it and put all this stuff on instead.

I wrote three pages for english. I actually wrote three whole pages.

I'm still not finished though.

Things are looking up. The days don't go any quicker but they're bearable.

Would be nice to see him though and I'm not even sure if I can now on Friday because of her birthday. He might come with me though? Probably would come with me... if he's not feeling lazy that is.

I like the colours.

And him.

oh i wish i had a suntan

I'm deathly jealous of this photo. Proper love the colours. Helena Napier, I hate you.

Argh when will I ever start taking proper nice photos. I need to fiddle with my settings on my camera because they are pretty shit.

AND WHEN SHOULD I USE MY POLAROID CAMERA?

Oh God, it pisses me off so much when in like rapper music videos they take reams of polaroids of all their scantily clad bitches- such a waste. You don't understand how much those things cost.

£2.20 PER POLAROID.

You do not waste polaroids on whores okay? They do not deserve it.

that's how it starts, we go back to your house

I'm a lot happier today. Sorry about my last few blogs.

I have raspberries. Yay! They're downstairs though and I'm lazy and I think if my dad saw me taking them upstairs he'd huff and puff and go all "RAHHHARAGHHGHH" at me. I'm not supposed to have food upstairs. We have new carpet.

I love raspberries though. Nom nom nom.

I. Want. To. Take. Pictures.

The weather at the moment is lovely. Really hot. I get to go out wearing SHORTshorts and skirts and thin tops without freezing to death. Face it, there is so much more choice in clothing for girls when it's summer.

But yeah, the weather is making me get cravings to take photos.

The one weekend the weather is nice and it has to be the weekend I have to stay in and revise.

I'm actually quite worried about Chemistry. I mean, Biology went fine and I'm pretty sure I'll be alright with Physics (got the highest grade out of my mocks in Physics), but Chemistry...

I struggle with Chemistry. Trying to remember which groups have what properties in the Periodic Table, and the drawings of ionic and covalent bonding and all the equations... God I hate those equations.

I bought a new DVD today. Eagle vs Shark. It was pretty good, quite Napoleon-Dynamite-like which is good. Has Jermaine Whats-his-face in it from Flight of the Concords. Meh, it was only five pounds.

Time 'til end of exams needs to hurry up. Or at least time 'til her party needs to hurry up.

sobbing into my warm, pale palms for a better understanding

I feel like when you look at yourself sometimes and think you are just absolutely revolting.

I am filth.

I don't care about me.

And I don't know what to do.

Or say.

Or whether to not say anything at all.

But then I'm scared we'll drift apart.

And I don't want that.

I hate myself.

can't you stop this all from happening? close the doors and keep them out

It's not alright.

I want to crawl under a rock so you never have to see my face again.

I hate crying in front of people.

I hate that this has happened more than once.

Why can't things be normal?

I want to shed my skin like a snake and go live like a hermit.

I hate this

I hate this

I hate this

I'm sorry.

andiloveyou

no more cigarettes, no more having sex, no more drinking till you fall on the floor

Fuck it. It's half a page too short but I don't give a crap, I am handing that shit in.

I want to put some photos on here but I suddenly flicked through My Pictures and just realised, I am a shit photographer. Hmm.

I'm going to put some up anyway...

Oh Espana. Gotta love that place. If I could I'd live somewhere in Spain, or maybe Italy, not in a touristy area or anything though, just make friends with the locals and eat yummy paella and stay up late on warm nights. I'd have to avoid the sangria though. That stuff is nasty.

Spanish boys are so lovely. None of them are my type, they're all into football and stuff like that, but they're really friendly and sweet.

I'd exercise more if I lived in Spain as well. Go swimming and shit. God I love the sea. I stay in there for hours, going all pruny, stinging my eyes and yelping whenever I touch any seaweed. I sunburn and worry about how I look in my bikini as well, there's a bad side to everything, but generally I love going to Spain.

I am going to get royally fuck at hers. With science modules over, and yet the vast expanse of Maths GCSE and internal exams ahead I will just have to drink, and drink, and drink until I don't stop smiling. I'll talk absolute shit, fall over a bit and dance a lot, maybe sing along if my voice is alright by then. It should be. I'll want to kiss him more than he will let me in public.

I don't wake up with a hangover, only a chip on my shoulder.

Oh the joys of being young and a fuck up.

jesus is just a spanish boy's name

I got a surge of contentment today. Leant back from my unfinished essay and sighed because I just kind of accepted that the work I was doing is shit. The rants I have on here are shit. I am generally shit.

But I don't care.

Why does it matter?

In the grand scheme of things all of this doesn't matter one tiny bit.

I am a speck. So I may as well enjoy myself.

That little moment was then duly ruined by my begrudging father who stomped upstairs to tell me my food was getting cold, and gave me a death stare for the state of this room before declaring I had to eat downstairs unlike I usually do.

I sat on my kitchen side, legs crossed eating stuff I couldn't even be bothered to ask what it was before scraping most of it in the bin because I wanted to get back to my essay which I am still staring at blankly.

This month is taking forever.

I am counting down days until the summer.

I want to feel the sun on my face, wear short skirts, visit a beach, go to a party, stay out late, drink more than I should, buy ridiculous amounts of CDs, go to a million more gigs, go up to London, have a lie in, pick and choose which friends to hang out with when, spend time with him.

I don't want school and exams and endless boredom and self deprecation.

well, I'll go to college and I'll learn some big words and I'll talk real loud, goddamn right I'll be heard

Bzzzz. One new message.

"This

Is

Hell

On

Earth"

Bzzzz. One new message.

"I wish this coke was vodka then I'd be too slaughtered to comprehend how much I'm being tortured right now x"

Oh it's not even that bad, idiot. Where is he? Eating out with his family. Enjoying a tasty meal whilst I'm boxed inside trying to force out another page's worth of essay material on Death of a Salesman (most boring book ever), without any food at all, having just been given my new glasses which I look like a complete dick in. HOW VERY FUCKING FUN FOR ME.

Coursework is not my friend.

Procrastination is.

I even sent an email to my english teacher begging for an extension due to my bronchitis. Going for the sympathy vote of course.

It's been almost five hours... I've written a page.

To be fair it's quite a well written page and you know what they say, "Quality before quantity".

Do I have the balls to hand in just one page? People gathering up our drafts will look at me and say "Where's the rest of it?". Still stuck in my head somewhere. There isn't enough material to write about.

I blame my english teacher for making us choose our own essay titles.

Fuck the American Dream. You're too goddamn basic. There is no depth to a deluded and blindly believed in ethos that doesn't exist.

That is all I have to say. How do I turn those three sentences into three pages worth?

How the fuck did I get A*'s in my previous pieces of coursework?

HOW THE FUCK DID I MANAGE TO GET FULL MARKS IN MY LAST ESSAY?

Focus Becky, please just fucking focus.

no sound with speakers blown, the silence fits the scene

The XX's "Fantasy" has a bass that makes my room vibrate. If I turn it up loud enough you can feel it hit you in the chest, just like when you're at a gig and the band starts up and the whole air hums with music, you can feel it.

I can't go to that Cymbals Eat Guitars gig. It's in the middle of my internal exams. Am annoyed about that.

She wrote a song and she's going to record it and it's actually pretty fucking decent for a first try. I feel slightly jealous. Especially over her singing. When you watch someone make their voice float along with music like that and know that you can't do that, that your FUCKING bronchitis will keep you from doing that, that your blocked nose will make you sound nasally and that you won't be able to hear yourself clearly... of course I'm jealous.

I have to be patient. Hopefully I'll be able to sing soon enough.

Will put something together with him eventually. So much to be done.

He said it in public the other day. Kept me smiling for the rest of the night. He is wonderful really.

and all these songs are sung on road trips

Do you ever get those songs that make you feel like going out and doing something?

I love those songs. I had lots of them last summer and I still get the same feeling listening back to them. It's a shame I don't still have my old iPod. I'd sit on my own on the bus and stare out of the window, feeling as if I was in a movie or television programme (you know, because they have backing tracks). It's probably a bit sad to admit that but it's true so oh well.

Oh, wow. I've done 55 words in my english essay so far. That's more than I thought. Wait, that's including the title... 42 words minus the title. Hmm.

I watched like three episodes of Doctor Who on iPlayer to waste time.

Wrote a page of chemistry revision.

Ate chicken pie.

I've stared at this computer screen for four hours.

Refresh facebook. Oh, no, nothing of interest there.

Chew chew chew the end of my biro.

Shift in my seat.

Revision is slowly stealing my soul.

in the eye of a maelstrom of marlboro mail-order memorabilia

I've decided I like blogging a lot.

Forgot to pass comment on the whole six expulsions business. Rather out of order in my opinion. Okay so they did all commit illegal offences and the school can't really be seen to tolerate that but the way the went about expelling them... Harsh much?

Oh and whilst I was at the opticians my mum decided to treat the optician as if she was giving a careers advice talk. Fun. I don't really think I'd enjoy being a optician... Whatever, have to keep my options open I guess.

What would I like to do?

I always romanticise travelling far too much I reckon. I say I'd love to travel but really I'd be picky about the food and feel really grubby without a nice power shower at least every other day.

Photography interests me, as does music, but I'm not skilled enough at either to do anything with those interests.

Ooh speaking of photography, I shall take this opportunity to try and put some from a recent photoshoot on my blog...

I just put them at the top of the page because I couldn't work out the layout.

your hands will remain empty when you have last stopped clutching at straws

I got sent home from school today. It was a weird morning.

I found out in the car on the way to school that on the Friday and Saturday before my Maths GCSE on Monday I have to go to a wedding. Stressed out enough as it is, I got pissy with my mum who then started yet another lecture on how I'm going to be fine with my exams with "Oh you're not upset AGAIN are you?". Telling me how I'm going to be fine stresses me out more. I don't want to think about it at all. So shut the fuck up.

Added to this piece of stress inducing news was the fact that my cough seems to be steadily getting worse. I now have a cold on top of it as well. I feel like shit, constantly; all I want is for it to go away.

Got to school a bit before morning registration, like usual. Mindless conversation. Endless coughing fits. Someone laughed at the face I pulled after one of them and said "You must be sick of it by now". You have no fucking idea. My hands were in front of my face as I coughed into them and I just felt all this pressure build up by my temples and knew I was going to start crying. I stood hunched over with my hands in front of my face for a second too long and the girl who made the comment realised what was happening and pulled me into a hug as I let stupid fat hot tears roll down my face. Now what do I do? Standing in the middle of the classroom crying as the bell for registration goes. The girl took me halfway downstairs to hide in the toilets before I ran into a friend who freaked out at the sight of me and took over.

They all thought something really bad had happened which just made things so much worse.

What was wrong?

- I haven't revised for any of my upcoming exams

- I have an essay in due sometime this week which I also haven't started

- I keep running away from any tiny problem that could quite easily be overcome by any normal person

- I keep wheezing and coughing and choking and retching and sneezing and struggling to breathe

- and being ill makes me depressed.

That is fucking nothing.

The worst thing was that the friend who had rushed to save me was the person who had given me bronchitis, the one person who was going through the same thing as me and was completely fine.

I hid in the toilets and tried to clear myself up as best as I could before heading upstairs to be faced with about five worried faces, a nosy form tutor and a geography lesson.

My geography teacher is lovely. She won't punish you for anything yet doesn't particularly get walked over, can actually teach, gives us time to talk in the lessons and is, well, slightly crazy but very endearing.

Coughing away in the lesson, she turned to me mid-lecture and asked if I was okay. I told her I had bronchitis and she looked at me as if I was mad and asked why I was still in school. Why? My parents won't let me stay home. "Uh, I'm on antibiotics and had a couple days off as well... and I have exams coming up". She told me I looked grim, which to be fair, I did. And then she did the nicest thing. She offered to get me a cup of tea.

On her way back up with the tea she brought my head of year who took one look at me wheezing away and also looked at me as if I was mad. Again, I had to repeat why I was still in school. My head of year asked to see my timetable. She then asked who all my teachers were for those lessons, noted them down and then went off to have words. She returned to say they all thought it was fine if I went home, I'm doing well enough with my work that I don't have to constantly be in school in the upcoming week to exams.

She took me downstairs once I'd finished the tea, looked through my timetable again, sorted out the days I did and didn't have to come into school and waited with me until my mum picked me up. During the wait she had the same talk with me that my mum had in the car before school. "You're going to do fine.. blah, blah, blah".
I got home, watched "The Men Who Stare At Goats", slept, went to the opticians and did revision.

I still feel like shit, but at least my school seems to understand how badly now.

Please God, make me get better soon.

pretty boys with their sunshine faces carrying their heads down

I wish I could leave just one happy post on this blog.

I wouldn't know what to say though. It so much easier to express yourself when you're upset or angry, even though I've had to struggle to come this far. It may be good to open up but I feel so vulnerable.

Back to the point though, when you're angry you can scream anything and it doesn't even have to be comprehensible. When you're upset you can cry and cry until you feel like you've reached the point of just vomiting up tears. But when you're happy... you smile and what? That's it?

It's so hard to say things without sounding like weirdo sometimes.

Things have to be left unspoken.

I can't say that when you see someone smile at something you've said it triggers an automatic smile from yourself, a sense of acceptance, of being able to make someone happy, of being able to cheer someone up or have them on the same wavelength as you.

I can't say that hugging someone tightly can make you feel safe and looked after and close to someone.

I can't say that when I kiss him I feel lightheaded and happy and that I can just forget things that were upsetting me or making me angry beforehand.

Because those things are always left unsaid.

Being happy is tricky.

So all I can say is that I'm content. I can't even say I'm happy because people as why and I don't know what to say...

He makes me happy.

can i make it better with the lights turned on?

Components of my day so far:

-headache

-hunger

-the new Foals album

-reams of blank pages upon which i should either be writing a) revision notes or b) an english essay

-and trying to hide a love bite (unsuccessfully).

I have spend the past... four hours, doing nothing. So. Fucking. Bored.

I want to go out and do some photography but I'm generally feeling rather uninspired at the moment. My next photoshoot has to be on colour. Colour is really difficult. The lighting and fiddling with my DSLR is going to take forever. And I can't wander very far as I have to spend most of my nights revising and doing coursework. My most successful photos are normally in black and white as well. God this is going to make my brain hurt.

Everything in photography seems to rely on being in the right place at the right time. For example, the weather can seriously fuck me over if it isn't willing to comply with my scheduled timetable.

Another thing that's pissing me off is not being able to sing. My cough isn't just a cough anymore, it's full blown bronchitis. How fun for me. Not. I can't sing, like at all, at the moment. And I need to. They're proper getting into this music thing at the moment and pretty much all I have to offer is my singing and now I don't even have that. Ugh,

I really want to be able to fast forward through May and June, maybe July as well. Once exams are over I can start to enjoy myself again. I'm incredibly tense and snappy at the moment and I get tired quite quickly. I can't be bothered to put effort into going running again and stuff that I'm normally passionate about (photography and music) just seems to be another part of my workload.

I'm just snatching at moments where I can forget myself with him and they're getting shorter and shorter as the weeks go by.

now i can't walk in a vacuum, i feel ugly, feel my pores

Well now then, school is one big pile of crap isn't it.

TOO MANY PEOPLE STRESSING OVER IT.

About three quarters of my year are starting to fall asleep in class (not from staying up late talking on the phone, like I do, but) from revision.

FUCK REVISION.

Seriously, I go to a grammar school, I am 99% sure that everyone I know would pass their GCSE's without any revision whatsoever.

I got an A* on my Biology mock today. Did I revise? FUCK NO.

If this is how stressed people get over GCSE's then they are going to have complete mental breakdowns when they get to A Levels. He's seriously stressed about it and I didn't realise, the douche I am. He'll be fine though, he will, I'm sure of it.

Oh and aren't boys the biggest pain like, ever.

Not him, the other lot. Oh God, that rodent can go fuck himself. At least three people are thinking up very sadistic ways of brutally murdering him. Involving an apple corer, cheese grater and a fucking huge knife. Oh yes. The wanker needs to stay away from my friends because any time he tries to buddy up to them they end up getting hurt by his compulsive lies and and MASSIVE DICK FOR A HEAD.

And and the whole other incident thing, well some people need to grow up. It obviously didn't mean anything so he should just stop trying to blow it up because no one would respect him for that he's just made us lot feel sorry for her.

Hmm okay, rant over for now, off to stare at photography homework and then give up and put it off until tomorrow.