I hate sleeping alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone

Day Two

A picture of what you wore today

Red polo shirt and shorts. Yes, it was a school day, I wore this to the cinema when I went to see Toy Story 3. I thought I'd show you this rather than my school uniform as a) it's more interesting b) it's more flattering and c) no paedophiles will be able to look up my uniform and match it to a specific school etc. Not that anyone would. The only people who read this are my friends. But oh well, it's nice to be certain.

There's a car alarm going off outside my window. I'm trying to listen to Los Campesinos' new EP (All's Well That Ends) which is very lovely I must say, however it is at the moment being ruined by a constant WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO noise. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

It's half eleven and I should really go have a shower because I'm just going to be too tired to wake up tomorrow and will end up oversleeping again. I'm not going to though. I'm going to write in this blog until I-

THE ALARM JUST STOPPED. Thank fuck.

Anyway, what was I saying?

Oh yeah, I'm going to write in this blog until I feel empty again.

Everyone is going away on holiday this summer. I'm going to be left in bed staring at blank pages whilst trying to kid myself that I am in the slightest bit creative, trying to draw with uncoordinated hands and keep my mind off the fact that I'm all alone. Or I'll read until I get a headache, working my way through the books we got out from his library, to psychology books, to food packaging. I do that sometimes. Instead of fiddling I read whatever words are closest to me. Trace the typeface with my eyes and burn the black lettering into my mind. I think I might even go sit in a park by myself listening to my iPod for a few hours by myself. I would probably end up crying. I do that a lot nowadays.

I just feel very... wobbly. Shaky, even. I used to get bouts of shivering whenever I was scared or stressed or depressed. I can't hold cameras still very much. it's why low shutter speeds annoy me because they end up so blurry. I got a new tripod recently.

Oh, I forgot to mention my new camera as well. I've had it for about a week now? Small digital camera; Nikon Coolpix S8000 to be precise (don't criticise the name, I didn't pick it out myself). It's for gigs. I would never bring my DSLR to those things, far to scared of being mugged or breaking it or losing it. Although this one isn't on the cheap side actually but blame my parents for that. It's good quality though, 14.2 megapixels and everything. My DSLR is only 10. It has a better zoom than my DSLR as well. The only thing that is slightly annoying about it is the lack of manual settings I suppose.

I don't want to be a his and hers match. I never wanted to fall into that category. But I don't know what to do. I'm going to miss him. I don't want to miss him but I know I will. I feel like such a dick for that.

It's been so long.

How has it been so long?

His, Hers, Yours.

I'd like to be the third option. Thinking about it, if any pair could be the third option we could.

the other girl is not like me, she's prettier and skinnier, she has a college degree, I dropped out when I was seventeen

Yes I found this on people's Tumblrs. Yes I am a hypocrite.

Day 01 - A picture of yourself

Day 02 - A picture of what you wore today

Day 03 - A picture of what you did today

Day 04 - A picture of where you went today

Day 05 - A picture of your morning

Day 06 - A picture that inspires you

Day 07 - A picture that makes you cry

Day 08 - A picture of yourself somewhere you love

Day 09 - A picture of what you had for lunch

Day 10 - A picture of what you like to do

Day 11 - A picture of your favorite band

Day 12 - A picture that captures your favorite song

Day 13 - A picture of your friends

Day 14 - A picture of your idol

Day 15 - A picture of yourself and someone related to you.

Day 16 - A picture of an object that captures your life.

Day 17 - A picture of phone

Day 18 - A picture of your room

Day 19 - A picture of your favorite musical instrument

Day 20 - A picture of where you want to honeymoon

Day 21 - A picture that makes you think of your loved ones

Day 22 - A picture of your favorite item of clothing.

Day 23 - A picture that describes your life

Day 24 - A picture of who you were today

Day 25 - A picture that you edited

Day 26 - A picture that makes you angry

Day 27 - A picture that makes you laugh

Day 28 - A picture of someone you spoke to today

Day 29 - A picture of someone you’ll never stop loving

Day 30 - A picture of you and your best friend

I like photography. It was calling me. What can I say?

Day One

A picture of myself

This was recent, in fact is only three days old. It was at my school's annual Sports Day. I wore my reindeer hat on it and got lots of compliments. I also wore a massive sunflower pinned to it (my house colour is yellow).

I was picked out of a hat to do javelin. I can't throw. I came eleventh. Out of twelve people. My inevitable failure at Sports Day may be the reason for the distraught look on my face but actually I think I was just a bit weary as you can tell from the massive dark circles under my eyes (apologies, I wasn't wearing any make up that day).

So there is your picture of me.

Clothes tomorrow... on a school day... cool.

what you wanted is just outside your reach so keep on searching

Nice to know no one gives a shit.

Nice to know how little impact I have on everyone.

If I did leave I'd throw a party but people only come for the alcohol.

I'd be forgotten within a week.

After a year they wouldn't even be able to remember my name.

I can go fuck myself.

I don't matter.

And now I'm not sure if I deserve to matter.

You're just wasting your time with me you know. You could be having fun. You could be happy. You'd be better off without me dragging you down.

I'm such a fucking loser.

And you're so much better than that.

I buried my head in a pillow earlier and everytime I breathed in I felt as if my head was sinking further into the pillow. I wanted it to swallow my face up. I wanted my breath to fill up my nostrils and suffocate me. My stupid shallow breath. My fucking gasping breath.

I sat on the bus and imagined being someone else. I made up stranger's life stories. I was the man in the chip shop staring blankly at a newspaper. I was the foreign woman chatting loudly to her friend. I was the bus driver who watched silently as I dropped first my iPod, then my phone whilst trying to find my Oyster card and balance a Kurt Vonnegut book in my hands at the same time.

When we get annoyed by other people we can just go talk to someone else. But you can never escape yourself.

It's killing me.

I’m still mourning over ghosts, over ghosts, over ghosts, over ghosts that broke my heart before I met you

I feel weird. I keep getting randomly depressed. I think it might be making me ill as well... Either that or I'm just ridiculously dehydrated. My head pounds and spins and my throat goes dry and I feel trapped inside my skin, suffocating. I have to lie down or I get scared I might faint. I've never fainted before. I kind of want to.

But yeah, depression. I looked up the symptoms a while ago.

Psychological symptoms (according to the NHS)

- continuous low mood or sadness

- feelings of hopelessness and helplessness

- low self-esteem

- tearfulness

- feelings of guilt

- feeling irritable and intolerant of others

- lack of motivation and little interest in things

- difficulty making decisions

- lack of enjoyment

- suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming someone else

- feeling anxious or worried

- reduced sex drive

Ignoring the last one, I pretty much have the symptoms. It runs in my family too. My mum and my nan both have been on antidepressants at one point. I'm not sure if my mum is off them yet.

I think I suppress too much. I thought I told people stuff that worries me but I realised that's not the actual problem. Whenever I feel upset I just shut it off and it's gotten to the point now where I start to feel like I'm going to start crying and I don't know why. If I thought about it I reckon I could work out why but I don't want to so I don't and it's getting really hard to stop myself from crying at the moment.

Nothing is even wrong with me. I hate myself for being like this. And it makes me want to cry more.

I'm useless. I can't do anything, I can't even keep him happy.

I know I'm not depressed though because the feeling will eventually seep away. It will come back but it does go away.

Maybe I'm just a freak.

I'm doing depression as another photography idea as well (maybe). I want to research it more and like make it really personal and sort of thought-provoking, maybe slightly unsettling. I'd like people to take me seriously with my photography. No one else seems to care so much about it. I just want to make a statement and have people understand and interpret me and just... I want something more than "That's a pretty picture".

I might move to Canada.

I used to want to move away from everyone more than anything.

He used to run away. He showed me a place in this park once, hidden in long grass near a big old tree. It used to be a sort of picnic area but had been abandoned and all that was left was a gap in the unruly grass and a mat on the floor. He said he used to run away there when he was little. We lay there for about an hour and I was late getting home and got grounded for the weekend. He ran to me once but my parents found out and took him home and my dad talked to him in the car and said "bollocks" a lot. My dad was nice to him.

My dad ran away once too. He was sixteen and ran all the way from Wales to London looking for his brother. I think he slept on the streets for a couple nights. He should have been back at his boarding school but he was out drinking with university students.

I remember when my sister thought he ran away for good once. I wasn't sure if he was coming back either. She a cried a lot. My mum didn't notice. I wrote about it in a notebook and drew all over the pages and slept and was numb to it. I didn't cry back then. Like, ever.

He came back though. He just went for a drive after all.

I'm in the middle of GCSE's and I want to go to university here and I will not fuck up my education for my father.

I'd get a really annoying accent if I moved.

I don't particularly like snow either.

If it was somewhere else in England (where I could carry on all the GCSE's I am doing)... then it might be different. I might have run.

I might have moved.

it's all a part of his plan, it's all in his hands, but I never asked for it, I never did

I am proper loving Perfume Genius at the moment.

I wish I could grab a piano and stretch my fingers across the keys and make music like his. The only word I can think of for it is beautiful. And really, really sad. You can tell his music is personal to him, he sings with such a broken look on his face. It feels fragile and is completely tangible.

I want to be so immersed in sound like him and make such simple, lovely songs as he does with just a piano and his voice.

I hate my parents for never making me learn piano as a child like everyone else did.

I hate them for selling ours before I ever got a chance to work my way around the keys. I miss it. I miss our piano even though I never knew how to play it.

On a holiday in Spain once, the villa we were renting had a grand piano in the sort of living room area. Playing with chords and the pedal, finding ways around the out of tune keys, I managed to have a go at it. Someone asked me if I was playing some classical composer's work...Chopin I think. When I got back and showed some friends they thought it was from a Muller Corner advert. It was nothing though and I quickly forgot it.

I've always loved people who play piano really well. She takes it for granted sometimes I think, her music often revolves around her melodies on the piano. I would love to be able to come up with stuff like she does.

I haven't written any things for a while. Sometimes I think pour so much into this blog there's nothing left to write.

But then again, it's probably just me being caught up in things too quick to think about them.

I felt really detached today. Geography field trip, walking up Box Hill. Shut myself off with my iPod and stormed across dry valleys and scarp slopes, huffing and sweating and generally feeling the most unattractive I have in a while. I think I might have wasted time with myself. Normally when I sort of blank everything else out I think about stuff, important stuff to me. I didn't even bother trying to today. At the moment my head is still trying sort out all the kinks and knots and tangled up mess of my thoughts. None of it makes sense and I just get confused now when things get too hard for me to face. I think I'm a coward.

I'm a bit annoyed at myself. He is always the one to say sorry. I'm too stubborn. I expect for him to, not even forgive me, just ignore it when I get stressy, but whenever he is a bit I end up getting annoyed myself and then he apologises when it isn't his fault. He apologises too much, and sometimes I don't know when he really is sorry or when he's just saying it to end the argument.

I don't like the arguments.

I like messing around with him and being a twat to make him laugh and mock me and kiss me.

when I trip on my feet, look at the ground the words are written in the dust

You know what, I was wavering in my shower musing on things to write in here. Swaying off-kilter in a daze.

Got out, ate a banana, pondered about the Windows 7 that my dad was struggling with, waited for my sister to move off the computer (which involved a lot of "GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT" from my sister for once) then came on here.

And completely forgot what I was going to write about.

So um, hello.

I haven't written on here for a while. I'm not sure why, I still have a shitload of ramblings floating around, giving me a headache every waking second. I've been busy? That's a lame excuse. Sounds like the excuses I use to fob off this unwanted rapist who keeps turning up everywhere. The fact that I'm four years younger than him hasn't even perturbed him. I'm too scared to just tell him to fuck off and he's no help whatsoever. Oh well.

It's almost summer. With every new freckle it seems closer and closer. I'm going to be bored. Hmm.

To do list time!

TO DO:

- watch a Jackie Chan movie (I'm ashamed of myself for not having done this sooner)

- go to at least one piss up in a park and stay FOR THE WHOLE TIME .. or at least 'til like eleven or whatever

- paint my study

- learn to cook at least one meal, at least pasta

- learn a bit more guitar and practise singing for god's sake

- three words: TOY. STORY. THREE.

- check if I'm still allergic to face paint

- more water fights but preferably outside this time

- have that tea party she promised ages ago

- find a pet shop that sells tortoises for future reference

- buy that fucking Diana F+ already

- go to the seaside

- go to Camden

- get lost somewhere stupid

- have an adventure

I'd like to put other on there like build a treehouse and go to Sweden with him but I have to be realistic. Most of those will not be done. I will be far too busy sleeping my way through the holidays, awakening only for music festivals and awful movie marathons. Fun fun.

I need more music, I have to get round to sorting out my iPod at some point and it would be reassuring if I had a load of backups in case everything goes shit side up. I would love to find my own sound. I'm a bit lost within noise at the moment, nothing is really outlining me particularly, Sure there are things I like and listen to but I'm not so enthusiastic as I used to be which is a shame. I'll add it onto my to do list: put in more effort concerning finding new music.

Anyway, as always I thought I'd leave you with a picture.

Did I mention how much I love tortoises?

He's put it as his phone wallpaper so now I can obsess over it even more.

I WANT ONE.

The lucky fucking prick riding him...

STOP TAUNTING THE POOR TORTOISE.

I would love it far more than you ever could.

no one will answer your prayers, 'til you take off that dress

I did my photography exam a couple of days ago. I think it went alright.

I can't be bothered to upload more than one photo so here's your lot.

Panophobia- fear of everything

I hate it when this happens. I feel shaky thinking about it. It will be fine, it will be fine. Nothing is wrong, don't worry, you're making a fuss of nothing. But what if I'm not?

I can't help worrying. I can't help crying.

I'm grateful to him though for cheering me up with pictures of all the animals I have a strange attachments to. Giraffes with their children, bears teaching each other kung fu, miniature tortoises, a duck and a pig in wellies, a hippo and a tortoise in love (I'm not joking). He really is lovely to me. And it was the comfiest thing ever lying with him today. All I want to do is sneak off to his and crawl into his bed and sleep next to him for days at a time. I'm so worn out. I need a break badly. Just a few days to do nothing.

I've put on weight and it's depressing me. A little round my tummy and everytime I sit down I wrap my arms around myself so no one will see my fucking stomach. Activia adverts with the woman with the incredibly flat stomach makes me physically give out a little whine everytime I see it. I didn't like my stomach enough as it was, and now I hate looking at myself. My face is awful at the moment too, spotty with huge pores and flushed from the heat. I want to take a big black Sharpie and scribbled all over my face, or a massive rubber and just rub myself out.

I have to go running tomorrow (today? Fuck, I only just realised it's like half twelve at night...) because of it. With him. Blah. Not cool. I run like a freak, get tired out easily and will be all gross and sweaty and and just... blaaah. And it means I have to get up fucking early cause my dad won't give me a lift as he considers ten o'clock in the morning too early. So I have to get up at like half seven to drag myself out of bed, have a shower, dry my hair, choose clothes and sort everything, then take an hour long bus journey so I can get there for ten to try and avoid people seeing me running as yeah, ten o'clock is so early, mm? And then I'm going to a party later that day. I'm going to be exhausted. Argh.

But never mind, don't think of that Becky, think of the hugs he promised you and it should keep you smiling for long enough.