I feel drunk already, maybe my drink got spiked, but more like the other like that I'm just a lightweight

Ideas for photography... Ideas for photography...

I can come up with strange concepts but they're hard to put into practical use in such a short amount of time.

For example, I thought of doing something with animals and like, primitive instinct in humans. I would take photos of animals and then almost recreate it with people. Maybe lead on from instincts to raw emotion. I like quite conceptual ideas and more psychological aspects of photography rather than just "ooh that looks pretty- click". The problem with this idea though is it's not very realistically available, I don't have time to go to a zoo and take photos of animals AND take the actual photos of people, I don't even have a model to work with at the moment.

So I'm trying to come up with other ideas.

I found this photo randomly which I really like. It's called Pnigophobia which is a fear of choking. Made me think maybe I could do some photos based on phobias? Not sure, I should look into it more really...

I like yyellowbird on Flickr. Her work has some of the nicest colours and she models in them herself (using either a timer on her camera or a sort of remote to take the picture). The only problem with that I wouldn't really have a concept for it. She just takes nice photos in abandoned houses generally. There aren't that many abandoned houses where I live, the only place like that being an abandoned sport pavilion sort of thing that now looks like a burnt and thoroughly graffited shed. I've already used that in two of my photo shoots, one of them when it was snowing. It has a deteriorating armchair outside of it too.

I really need to finish this post and start on my coursework. Might blog when I'm finished but I doubt I'll have time.

god damn hate that I am what I am

I don't need this. Fucking Spanish shit. Biology will be fine, but I am slightly worried about Spanish. I normally ask my mum for help but I haven't been speaking to her much recently.

I haven't really been speaking to anyone in my family much.

I come home, go on the computer... go to bed. I'm scared that I'm using babysitting my sister as an excuse to be lazy and waste away in front of a glowing screen that is slowly turning my mind to mush.

I kind of want to hang out with new people, or even old ones I haven't seen in a while but no one seems interested in me. And I feel ugly cause of all this "rate me out of 100" shit. I don't get awful ratings (they're all in the 70s), just ones that tend to be at the lower end of the spectrum of my acquaintances. It's disappointing. And has made me lose quite a bit of confidence. I knew I shouldn't have got involved but oh well.

I don't feel close to anyone at the moment really. I get picked up and dropped, thrown about and left neglected often and at a rapid pace. I keep ignoring it because lots of people seem to be having the same problem, some worse than others.

Wanting to hang out with new people gets me muddled. I think I almost want to do it to prove to myself I don't have to be with him when we get the chance. I want people to know I don't need him. But then I just know that actually I do want to see him and I'd have a better time with him anyway than others who would trip over themselves to get away from me if someone better came along. I don't know whether I'm kidding myself about things but just, I used to be so much more than this. People used to have more respect for me, people used to like seeing me and would invite me to shit without even thinking. They used to care and now I'm stuck in a fucking skip screaming at strangers to love me.

Maybe I was only ever popular because there was no one else around. Probably.

I'm lonely, really fucking lonely and no one can see it just cause I have him.

Whatever. Ignore me. I'd better get back to this Spanish work.

well I, I went to buy myself a handgun, why'd you think man, to shoot down everyone

I think I like that drawing but then everytime I see it I pick out another thing that's wrong with it. That's just how artists are though right? Never completely satisfied with their own work...

I've been writing random shit. Just kind of felt like it for no apparent reason, I would have written more but I got distracted and had english homework...

I remember my childhood in third person

Lived out my memories through your diction

Abused teachers alike, snapping rulers for the sound

Counting milk teeth and copper coins

Syllables may sting my lips as they escape through my teeth

But in my old habitat they were coaxed out of hiding

Clouds were hidden behind faded pages

Whilst yelling by the soon-to-be sirens gave me tinnitus

Everytime I picked my soles further off the floor

Than my sloping gait would allow

I'd fall to the sound of hollow laughter

It was all skin deep, but my skin is made of seven layers

A lot more than you would stop to think

Well I never remember more of you than your pale bare feet

Can only catch glimpses of your fiery hair

Sit in trees and pretend to be five again

Stand in streets and watch shadows pass

... I haven't even proof read that yet, I probably should. Oh well. He would probably be able to form something slightly more coherent from that than I could so I'll just leave him to mess around with it.

I got all reminiscent you see. Primary school was a bit of a harsh time for me. And then when things seemed to get better at school, my family ended up ripping its seams... It was just a while since there was a time where I felt properly content. But oh well, you learn to live with shit.

And I'm happy now, I am.

I'm even almost sadistically happy when things go wrong. I feel bad for it but everyone needs a bit of chaos don't they? When things become too routine you forget what it means to be happy, you're just stuck in a rut of repetition.

I like extremes but I think at the moment I've managed to find a pretty good balance. My neuroses catch up with me sometimes causing ridiculous overreactions, crying at retarded shit, you know the sort. But it's okay, it's okay, I'm normally (mostly) sane.

It's better when you appreciate the small things.

Like bus rides and getting away with sleeping in class and sunshine and hugs from friends and a smile from him or a nicely timed remark from someone you thought you'd lost a long time ago.

I like looking at things differently. I guess that's why I like photography.

we're lost in the only thing, truly worth getting lost in

Damn I love festivals. Isle of Wight turned out to be really good; the tickets my dad got through his contact turned out to be VIP ones as well.

My dad doesn't understand why I love festivals so much. Trying to explain it on the way back on the ferry I started blathering on, "Don't you just feel like, in the crowd, like, you're part of something, that there's all those people here for nothing but the music and to have fun and.. I don't know..."

My dad's reply was "I only get the feeling of being part of something in like, a football crowd". No dad, no.

In a way it is a bit like a football crowd I suppose, throwing chants back to the band, singing along. People were even waving England flags around cause of the World Cup.

But at the same time its very different. Football crowds are out to threaten the other team's supporters, people at festivals just want a good time, although you do get some gigs where people just want to be destructive, break shit, strip themselves down to nothing but bare adrenaline, hurricanes in their own right. My god that is fun.

I fucking love running around on a high from beats that pulse through you, hook onto your ribcage, make your chest pound. Swaying drunkenly, drenched in noise.

I ran into a very tipsy Devendra Banhart, dancing to the Strokes with a posse of girls who were beautiful yet completely off their faces and just thought to myself- this is it.

This is what it's all about. Life and all that shit.

It's about going out, getting completely fuckfaced, dancing and singing and laughing all the way into the shadow of the night.

That's what I want.

That's all I want.

My hat from the festival, on him.

looking out at the ice cold water all around me, I can't feel any traces of that other place

Changed my mind about Maths again. I probably won't get an A after all. Apparently the non calculator test was "so easy" that to get an A* will be like 90% and an A will probably be mid 80s. Fuck my life.

Also, as it was easy the calculator paper will either also be easy (pushing the grade boundaries up and out of my grasp) or really hard, to compensate. And I got a list of things that are likely to be in the exam as they weren't in the other one and it's all the stuff I'm shit at. Argh.

I going to be the only one who gets a B. I should never have taken fast track.

Exams are proper pissing me off now. Okay so after tomorrow I don't particularly need to worry about things, GCSE's for this year will be over, but then I have:

a) psychology taster on monday

b) spanish controlled assessment (coursework for GCSE) on friday

c) biology research task (coursework for GCSE) also on friday

d) planning for my TEN HOUR photography end of year that, since the course has recently been changed, will ALSO count as coursework

e) all of my end of years

f) and possibly more science data/research tasks (coursework for GCSE)

It just seems like every time I start to think exams are over they just fling more assessed work at us. I need a fucking break.

Okay okay so there must be something to look forward to right?

Hmm the Saatchi Gallery exhibition I'm going to go to with him in a couple weeks should be good. Got some nice stuff in it like this for example:

Oh and then there's another party coming up in July that should be alright. Quite a few friends are planning on coming to that and what more can you ask for really than a load of your friends, no parents, alcohol and the night? Yeah I should look forward to that.

WHOA, okay, mid-blog my mum just rang me to completely fuck over my weekend plans but oh well oh well, I get to go to the Isle of Wight Festival this Saturday. They have a couple people who should be alright to see; Vampire Weekend, The Strokes, Biffy Clyro, Bombay Bicycle Club and Devendra Banhart should all be pretty good.

It's a shame I have to go with my family though. If my sister even ATTEMPTS to get me to see N-Dubz with her she must be more of a complete retard than I first thought.

Hmm, there isn't anyone particularly good on. What can you expect though, it is the "family" type of festival (i.e. only have a shitload of popular musicians, not ones that are actually good or anything). It's not a completely awful set list though...

I should be more grateful, I just wish it was less short notice, I kind of had plans...

Oh well.

there's plenty of space to hang my stuff but there's no where to hang myself in this room

So my mindset jumped back a couple paces. Back to self criticism. Hooray.

Everyone seems to think at some point or other that every single syllable escaping my lips means fuck all. I'm just blathering shit again. Shut up Becky, you're wrong. You're wrong, your points aren't valid, your statements are incomplete. Shut up. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Sometimes I contemplate taking a vow of silence so no one will have to listen to my shit ever again.

If my words don't mean anything to you then why the fuck am I still spouting a cacophony of verbs and nouns and adjectives that clutter up your neat little sentences and make me trip over my tongue and smash my face into your fucking stolid, immovable wall of reason and sense and patronising fucking remarks that I come face to face with every single time I try and say something that in the long run doesn't even matter. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I'm better off staying quiet.

And then self deprecation and doubt and loathing for myself swamps me and I get that buzzing by my temples that tells me I really need to just b r e a t h e and calm down but I can't. I scrunch my hands into fists until they look like the bones are going to burst through my skin and rant to myself like I have a fucking multiple personality disorder for like ten minutes.

Oh shut up Becky.

You're a fucking imbecile you know that.

Shut up.

no one wants to hear the boy sing love sick songs, just keep dancing, keep smiling even if it feels wrong

Someone has been copying passages out of my blog and manipulating it into their own words. I am not happy. Sorry but this blog is personal, you can't just twist someone else's words into your own and expect no one to notice. You can't hide behind what I say. BE ORIGINAL FOR FUCKS SAKE. Write about your own shit, not mine.

Oh and I ever see you with a Diana F+ before I get one, I will kill you. That is my camera. Bitch.

Henceforth you are blocked. You can't read this. HA.

Maths went surprisingly alright. A lot better than I thought which is good. Now getting an A doesn't seem so implausible. A* still is, obviously, but yeah, if the calculator paper goes the same way as the non calculator one was then I should be alright. Thank God. I will breathe a heavy sigh of relief when this is all over and I get to piss around after finishing internals and my spanish writing coursework and my biology research task and (possible) chemistry one as well. Jeez, this shit never ends does it? Oh well, oh well.

Now for some pictures! Hehe. I forgot to say how the wedding went. Was all pretty standard, was quite bored by the end of it. Got sunburnt and taught myself how to yoyo. So yeah... Fun.

Pictures aplenty- lots of people crowded to take them:

I like focusing more on the people taking their own photos of the newly married couple rather than the bride and groom themselves. A lot of the time the guests are more interesting anyway.

Some little toddler was messing around splashing little girls with water from a nearby pond. Then the bugger got a cupful of pond water and tipped it down my front whilst I was looking at my camera. I don't like children.

The wedding was in Southampton. I love the sea but there weren't any beaches just lots and lots of boats. Boats are pretty cool too though I guess.

There was this lonely sofa set outside in the garden where the wedding reception was. I wanted to sit on it but some other family quickly set up camp there and, well, I'm actually a really antisocial person sometimes so I just left them to it.

So that was the wedding.

Here's some photos I took with him. He may have had dibs on the rotting banana but I still got some decent pictures.

-The sky is pretty.

-Reflections look good at night when light that is caught in them looks as if it's alight.

-I've been thinking about aeroplanes a lot for some reason.

-I don't like my knees.