no sound with speakers blown, the silence fits the scene

The XX's "Fantasy" has a bass that makes my room vibrate. If I turn it up loud enough you can feel it hit you in the chest, just like when you're at a gig and the band starts up and the whole air hums with music, you can feel it.

I can't go to that Cymbals Eat Guitars gig. It's in the middle of my internal exams. Am annoyed about that.

She wrote a song and she's going to record it and it's actually pretty fucking decent for a first try. I feel slightly jealous. Especially over her singing. When you watch someone make their voice float along with music like that and know that you can't do that, that your FUCKING bronchitis will keep you from doing that, that your blocked nose will make you sound nasally and that you won't be able to hear yourself clearly... of course I'm jealous.

I have to be patient. Hopefully I'll be able to sing soon enough.

Will put something together with him eventually. So much to be done.

He said it in public the other day. Kept me smiling for the rest of the night. He is wonderful really.

and all these songs are sung on road trips

Do you ever get those songs that make you feel like going out and doing something?

I love those songs. I had lots of them last summer and I still get the same feeling listening back to them. It's a shame I don't still have my old iPod. I'd sit on my own on the bus and stare out of the window, feeling as if I was in a movie or television programme (you know, because they have backing tracks). It's probably a bit sad to admit that but it's true so oh well.

Oh, wow. I've done 55 words in my english essay so far. That's more than I thought. Wait, that's including the title... 42 words minus the title. Hmm.

I watched like three episodes of Doctor Who on iPlayer to waste time.

Wrote a page of chemistry revision.

Ate chicken pie.

I've stared at this computer screen for four hours.

Refresh facebook. Oh, no, nothing of interest there.

Chew chew chew the end of my biro.

Shift in my seat.

Revision is slowly stealing my soul.

in the eye of a maelstrom of marlboro mail-order memorabilia

I've decided I like blogging a lot.

Forgot to pass comment on the whole six expulsions business. Rather out of order in my opinion. Okay so they did all commit illegal offences and the school can't really be seen to tolerate that but the way the went about expelling them... Harsh much?

Oh and whilst I was at the opticians my mum decided to treat the optician as if she was giving a careers advice talk. Fun. I don't really think I'd enjoy being a optician... Whatever, have to keep my options open I guess.

What would I like to do?

I always romanticise travelling far too much I reckon. I say I'd love to travel but really I'd be picky about the food and feel really grubby without a nice power shower at least every other day.

Photography interests me, as does music, but I'm not skilled enough at either to do anything with those interests.

Ooh speaking of photography, I shall take this opportunity to try and put some from a recent photoshoot on my blog...

I just put them at the top of the page because I couldn't work out the layout.

your hands will remain empty when you have last stopped clutching at straws

I got sent home from school today. It was a weird morning.

I found out in the car on the way to school that on the Friday and Saturday before my Maths GCSE on Monday I have to go to a wedding. Stressed out enough as it is, I got pissy with my mum who then started yet another lecture on how I'm going to be fine with my exams with "Oh you're not upset AGAIN are you?". Telling me how I'm going to be fine stresses me out more. I don't want to think about it at all. So shut the fuck up.

Added to this piece of stress inducing news was the fact that my cough seems to be steadily getting worse. I now have a cold on top of it as well. I feel like shit, constantly; all I want is for it to go away.

Got to school a bit before morning registration, like usual. Mindless conversation. Endless coughing fits. Someone laughed at the face I pulled after one of them and said "You must be sick of it by now". You have no fucking idea. My hands were in front of my face as I coughed into them and I just felt all this pressure build up by my temples and knew I was going to start crying. I stood hunched over with my hands in front of my face for a second too long and the girl who made the comment realised what was happening and pulled me into a hug as I let stupid fat hot tears roll down my face. Now what do I do? Standing in the middle of the classroom crying as the bell for registration goes. The girl took me halfway downstairs to hide in the toilets before I ran into a friend who freaked out at the sight of me and took over.

They all thought something really bad had happened which just made things so much worse.

What was wrong?

- I haven't revised for any of my upcoming exams

- I have an essay in due sometime this week which I also haven't started

- I keep running away from any tiny problem that could quite easily be overcome by any normal person

- I keep wheezing and coughing and choking and retching and sneezing and struggling to breathe

- and being ill makes me depressed.

That is fucking nothing.

The worst thing was that the friend who had rushed to save me was the person who had given me bronchitis, the one person who was going through the same thing as me and was completely fine.

I hid in the toilets and tried to clear myself up as best as I could before heading upstairs to be faced with about five worried faces, a nosy form tutor and a geography lesson.

My geography teacher is lovely. She won't punish you for anything yet doesn't particularly get walked over, can actually teach, gives us time to talk in the lessons and is, well, slightly crazy but very endearing.

Coughing away in the lesson, she turned to me mid-lecture and asked if I was okay. I told her I had bronchitis and she looked at me as if I was mad and asked why I was still in school. Why? My parents won't let me stay home. "Uh, I'm on antibiotics and had a couple days off as well... and I have exams coming up". She told me I looked grim, which to be fair, I did. And then she did the nicest thing. She offered to get me a cup of tea.

On her way back up with the tea she brought my head of year who took one look at me wheezing away and also looked at me as if I was mad. Again, I had to repeat why I was still in school. My head of year asked to see my timetable. She then asked who all my teachers were for those lessons, noted them down and then went off to have words. She returned to say they all thought it was fine if I went home, I'm doing well enough with my work that I don't have to constantly be in school in the upcoming week to exams.

She took me downstairs once I'd finished the tea, looked through my timetable again, sorted out the days I did and didn't have to come into school and waited with me until my mum picked me up. During the wait she had the same talk with me that my mum had in the car before school. "You're going to do fine.. blah, blah, blah".
I got home, watched "The Men Who Stare At Goats", slept, went to the opticians and did revision.

I still feel like shit, but at least my school seems to understand how badly now.

Please God, make me get better soon.

pretty boys with their sunshine faces carrying their heads down

I wish I could leave just one happy post on this blog.

I wouldn't know what to say though. It so much easier to express yourself when you're upset or angry, even though I've had to struggle to come this far. It may be good to open up but I feel so vulnerable.

Back to the point though, when you're angry you can scream anything and it doesn't even have to be comprehensible. When you're upset you can cry and cry until you feel like you've reached the point of just vomiting up tears. But when you're happy... you smile and what? That's it?

It's so hard to say things without sounding like weirdo sometimes.

Things have to be left unspoken.

I can't say that when you see someone smile at something you've said it triggers an automatic smile from yourself, a sense of acceptance, of being able to make someone happy, of being able to cheer someone up or have them on the same wavelength as you.

I can't say that hugging someone tightly can make you feel safe and looked after and close to someone.

I can't say that when I kiss him I feel lightheaded and happy and that I can just forget things that were upsetting me or making me angry beforehand.

Because those things are always left unsaid.

Being happy is tricky.

So all I can say is that I'm content. I can't even say I'm happy because people as why and I don't know what to say...

He makes me happy.

can i make it better with the lights turned on?

Components of my day so far:

-headache

-hunger

-the new Foals album

-reams of blank pages upon which i should either be writing a) revision notes or b) an english essay

-and trying to hide a love bite (unsuccessfully).

I have spend the past... four hours, doing nothing. So. Fucking. Bored.

I want to go out and do some photography but I'm generally feeling rather uninspired at the moment. My next photoshoot has to be on colour. Colour is really difficult. The lighting and fiddling with my DSLR is going to take forever. And I can't wander very far as I have to spend most of my nights revising and doing coursework. My most successful photos are normally in black and white as well. God this is going to make my brain hurt.

Everything in photography seems to rely on being in the right place at the right time. For example, the weather can seriously fuck me over if it isn't willing to comply with my scheduled timetable.

Another thing that's pissing me off is not being able to sing. My cough isn't just a cough anymore, it's full blown bronchitis. How fun for me. Not. I can't sing, like at all, at the moment. And I need to. They're proper getting into this music thing at the moment and pretty much all I have to offer is my singing and now I don't even have that. Ugh,

I really want to be able to fast forward through May and June, maybe July as well. Once exams are over I can start to enjoy myself again. I'm incredibly tense and snappy at the moment and I get tired quite quickly. I can't be bothered to put effort into going running again and stuff that I'm normally passionate about (photography and music) just seems to be another part of my workload.

I'm just snatching at moments where I can forget myself with him and they're getting shorter and shorter as the weeks go by.

now i can't walk in a vacuum, i feel ugly, feel my pores

Well now then, school is one big pile of crap isn't it.

TOO MANY PEOPLE STRESSING OVER IT.

About three quarters of my year are starting to fall asleep in class (not from staying up late talking on the phone, like I do, but) from revision.

FUCK REVISION.

Seriously, I go to a grammar school, I am 99% sure that everyone I know would pass their GCSE's without any revision whatsoever.

I got an A* on my Biology mock today. Did I revise? FUCK NO.

If this is how stressed people get over GCSE's then they are going to have complete mental breakdowns when they get to A Levels. He's seriously stressed about it and I didn't realise, the douche I am. He'll be fine though, he will, I'm sure of it.

Oh and aren't boys the biggest pain like, ever.

Not him, the other lot. Oh God, that rodent can go fuck himself. At least three people are thinking up very sadistic ways of brutally murdering him. Involving an apple corer, cheese grater and a fucking huge knife. Oh yes. The wanker needs to stay away from my friends because any time he tries to buddy up to them they end up getting hurt by his compulsive lies and and MASSIVE DICK FOR A HEAD.

And and the whole other incident thing, well some people need to grow up. It obviously didn't mean anything so he should just stop trying to blow it up because no one would respect him for that he's just made us lot feel sorry for her.

Hmm okay, rant over for now, off to stare at photography homework and then give up and put it off until tomorrow.